Honoring God With My Body: Month 6

When the Scale Becomes More Than a Number

I've said from the beginning that this journey isn't really about a number on a scale. And I still believe that.

But I've also learned that it's possible to know something intellectually and still struggle with it emotionally.

I know my worth isn't determined by my weight.

I know my value doesn't change because my clothes fit differently.

I know God doesn't look at me and see a number.

But sometimes I look in the mirror and see the things I wish were different before I see anything else.

Over the last few weeks, I've noticed myself becoming more self-conscious again. I don't always want to go out in public. I find myself wondering if people are looking at me, judging me, or laughing at me with their friends.

Maybe they're not.

Maybe I'm giving their glances far more meaning than they ever intended.

But the feelings are still there.

And I don't want to pretend they're not.

I don't say this because I think other people should look a certain way. I don't judge anyone else for their size. If I could feel completely confident and comfortable in the body I'm in right now, I would embrace it.

But I'm not comfortable.

And that matters too.

I want to be healthy. I want to feel good in my body. I want to have energy. I want to feel confident when I walk into a room instead of wondering whether I belong there.

I don't think wanting those things makes me superficial.

I think it makes me human.

When Insecurity Wants Me to Hide

Recently, I found out that my husband has a work event coming up, and I'm supposed to accompany him.

The last time I attended one of these events was about five years ago, when I was around 60 pounds lighter.

And the strange thing is, I remember feeling insecure then too.

Now, knowing that I'm going back to an environment where I haven't been in years, my first instinct is to find a reason not to go.

I could say I'm tired.

I could say I have something else to do.

I could find a perfectly reasonable excuse.

But underneath those excuses is the real reason.

I'm embarrassed.

I'm embarrassed by the way I feel in my own skin, and I'm afraid other people will see what I see.

I'm afraid they'll judge me.

And, if I'm being completely honest, I'm afraid my husband might be embarrassed by me too.

That's a hard thing to write.

My husband tells me that I'm beautiful. He tells me that he's attracted to me. I believe that he loves me and that he means what he says.

But when my own confidence is struggling, it's easy for doubt to whisper something different.

Maybe he's just trying to protect your feelings.

I don't want to believe that.

And I don't want those thoughts to have authority over me.

My husband deserves to have his wife beside him. I don't want my insecurity to take that away from either of us.

So now I'm facing something that has very little to do with losing weight and everything to do with what happens inside of me while I'm waiting for change.

I need to learn how to live before I reach the goal.

I Don't Want My Feelings to Lead Me

This is where my faith becomes very real.

I desperately need the Holy Spirit to have more influence over me than my feelings do.

Because feelings are powerful.

They can tell me to hide.

They can convince me that everyone is watching.

They can make me question the words of the people who love me.

They can make me want to withdraw from life until I look the way I think I should look.

But I don't believe God has called me to live that way.

Galatians 5:22-23 tells us that self-control is a fruit of the Spirit.

I've always thought about self-control in terms of food, exercise, and discipline.

But perhaps I need self-control in my thoughts just as much as I need it in my habits.

I need to learn when to acknowledge a feeling without allowing that feeling to become my truth.

Second Timothy 1:7 says,

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."

A sound mind.

That's what I'm praying for.

Not that I suddenly stop caring about my health or my appearance.

Not that I pretend I'm completely confident when I'm not.

But that I can recognize the difference between wanting to improve and believing I have to be different before I am worthy of being seen, loved, or enjoyed.

Those are two very different things.

Maybe Progress Looks Different Right Now

My labs are coming this week.

My doctor's appointment is next week.

I'm still walking.

I'm still trying.

I'm still learning.

And I'm still waiting.

The scale hasn't changed, but maybe that doesn't mean nothing is happening.

Maybe some of the most important changes right now aren't visible.

I'm learning to listen to my body.

I'm learning more about my health.

I'm learning that there may be physical reasons this journey has been more difficult than I expected.

I'm learning to create healthier habits instead of chasing quick results.

And I'm learning that I can be disappointed without giving up.

That last one may be the most important.

Because I am disappointed.

I wish I had lost more weight by now.

I wish I looked different.

I wish I felt more confident.

But I am still hopeful.

Those two things can exist at the same time.

I can be disappointed and still be grateful.

I can be frustrated and still have faith.

I can wish things were different and still trust God with where I am today.

Psalm 37:7 says,

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him."

Waiting is difficult when you want answers.

It's even harder when you want change.

But perhaps God is teaching me that faith isn't only trusting Him for the outcome. Sometimes faith is trusting Him while the outcome is still unknown.

So I keep going.

I will continue walking.

I will continue working with my doctor.

I will continue making better choices.

I will continue praying.

And when that work event comes, I'm going to do my best not to let insecurity make the decision for me.

I want to take my husband's hand and go.

Not because I suddenly feel completely confident.

But because I don't want fear to decide how much of my life I get to live.

I want to live now.

Not someday when I lose 50 pounds.

Not someday when my clothes fit differently.

Not someday when I finally look the way I think I should.

Now.

And I want to become healthier along the way.

That is still the goal.

Not perfection.

Not a number.

Health.

Stewardship.

Confidence.

And ultimately, honoring God with what He has entrusted to me.

I don't know what my lab results will show this week. I don't know how quickly my body will respond. I don't know how long it will take to reach my goal.

But I know who I'm trusting with the journey.

And I can't wait to see what God has in store.

Application

This week, pay attention to the thoughts that come when you look in the mirror or step on the scale.

Don't ignore them, but don't automatically believe them either.

Bring them to God.

Continue caring for your body, but remember that you don't have to wait until you reach your goal to live, love, serve, laugh, and enjoy the life God has given you.

And if you are in a season where progress feels painfully slow, don't assume that nothing is happening.

Some things take time.

Some things happen beneath the surface.

And some of the most important work God does in us can't be measured at all.